Caught Clueless Chapter Twenty-Eight

The seats were nearly all taken when I arrived. Chase was in the middle row by Selena. Gill was right behind him, sitting beside his father, and Luke sat next to Chloe and Ramsey in the front row on the opposite side. No one could hear me walk in, and they didn’t turn around when I began making my way down the aisle to search for an open place.
I found Luna in front of Chase, close to where Kathy would soon stand. I claimed the spot next to her.
“What took you so long?” She smoothed her hands over her curls, being careful not to displace any flowers.
“I thought I was early.”
Her eyes flitted over my face and down my body. I tensed. “You look nice,” she said.
I breathed a sigh of relief. My dress was light blue and knee-length with lace around the hem. I even put on mascara and a dusting of eye shadow.
Behind me, Chase was slouched over with his elbows on his knees and his head tilted sideways, pretending to listen to Hamilton, who had leaned over the back of the seat to talk to him. There was something of such great interest to him on the floor that he failed to notice my gaze. Over his shoulder, though, Gill caught my eye and lifted a few fingers in greeting.
At that moment I felt Luna’s stare, so I spun around and clasped my hands in my lap.
The minister took his place at the front and the chatter quieted. Music began playing, but I didn’t see an organ, so there must’ve been a record player or stereo projecting the sound through the church. I didn’t recognize the melody. Owen stood rigid, hands at his sides, staring expectantly past the bobbing heads and smiling faces of the townsfolk.
When his expression brightened, people twisted their bodies to watch Kathy enter. She was vibrant in a strapless, white gown with her father at her side. I realized her mother wasn’t here to see her get married. I’d never cried at a wedding before, but this time my eyes stung. Kathy looked so happy. I knew her mom would’ve been proud.
Hayden shook Owen’s hand, nodded, and whispered. Owen returned the nod and then let his gaze shift to his bride. He looked at her like he hadn’t seen her in months, like he wanted nothing more than to take her into his arms and run away.
The ceremony continued, but I wasn’t listening as well as I should’ve been. I felt like I was watching a muted television. Their smiles were loud, full of excitement, and their eyes shone.
Now seated in the front row, Hayden looked wistful. The faces of the other townspeople were similar. I remembered Hamilton, who had lost his wife, and the jeweler, Mira, who lost her husband. Candace and Luna, parentless, Paolo, motherless, and Bo, taken in by Luke’s family, who also had a loss of their own. This town had seen death. They’d learned to rely on each other and move on despite the holes in their lives. I tried to push these thoughts aside and be joyful, but I couldn’t get rid of this melancholic feeling.
Kathy and Owen kissed, and it seemed the town celebrated a love they all envied.
XxX
Already I’d been here for an hour, but my eyes couldn’t adjust to the dim lighting of the bar. Everything was too dark, which frustrated me because everyone looked so nice. I wanted to see them in their dresses and suits, wearing corsages and fancy shoes. Strappy heels, boots, shimmery sandals—they all made their own sound on the floor. I closed my eyes and listened to their melody.
Kathy was ethereal. She fluttered around, dancing, sloshing her cocktail with a careless hand. Luna, in her dainty, lavender bubble dress, persisted at Kathy’s side the entire night. Owen tried to get his new wife alone for more than their first dance, but Luna remained firm, and oblivious. He gave up eventually and began drinking his first beer of many. Hayden watched from behind the counter, and that gracious, beaming smile never left his face once.
At one of the tables, Gill spoke to a group of older residents, as cheerful and animated as ever. He wore a navy blue suit and tie that were a few shades darker than his eyes.
Luke was with Owen, too busy dancing to remember the beer in his hand. He smiled at me each time his eye caught mine.
I found Chase standing in a shadow of the room, arms crossed, leaning against the wall. He wore a black suit, a black tie, and black shoes. Everything dark seemed to have found its way to his corner and surrounded him. He wasn’t brooding, merely observing from his hideaway. His hair, which had been combed back, glowed orange from the bar lights, and his violet eyes glimmered as he swept them across the room.
I was glad Chase stood there alone because it meant I could slip into the shadow with him. This party was magnificent, but it was overwhelming.
When I approached, he smiled at me and uncrossed his arms. Tonight it seemed he was avoiding the alcohol, although he hadn’t expressed any embarrassment or apology over what happened the other night. He didn’t owe me one, but it made me nervous that he didn’t feel like he overreacted.
“The cake is beautiful,” I said.
“It wasn’t difficult. Most people don’t have a steady hand.”
“And you do?”
He held his palm out and looked at me, as if inviting me to dispute that fact. I didn’t. His hand was very still.
“What are you doing back here?”
“I was thinking that no one would notice if I left.”
“Then let’s leave.” I smiled.
He stared across the room, folding his arms again.
“Chase!” Owen called. “Can you mix up some more drinks? And, hey, I’ve been meaning to ask you, what happened to your face? A while back it was pretty bad.”
Owen was being loud. People glanced toward us, and I panicked. I forced myself to laugh and grab Chase’s arm. He glared at me.
“Angela,” he said, “don’t laugh at me.”
“Oh, I’m sorry. It’s kind of embarrassing, though. The story of what happened to your face.”
He covered the side of his face with his hand, glancing at Owen from behind his fingers. “I was careless,” he muttered, closing his eyes. “Angela pushed me into oncoming traffic.”
My mouth fell open.
“She’s a sadist,” he continued. “I’m glad you showed up when you did, Owen. I’ll get started on those drinks.”
With that, Chase shoved his hands into his pockets and walked past us. I waved my arms toward Owen, saying, “He’s kidding, he’s kidding!” and followed Chase into the kitchen.
Owen laughed and nodded, but I wasn’t sure he believed me.
“Good thinking. Very quick,” said Chase, turning his back on me and facing the counter.
“Why’d you say that of all things?”
He tilted his head and smirked.
Mixing the drinks only took him a few minutes. When he was done, he set them on the bar and watched people snatch them away. When he didn’t have anything to look at anymore, he looked at me.  “Coming?”
“Okay,” I said.
Together we escaped the dizzying chatter and flashy ambiance. Outside it was cold. I hoped to look up and see a starry country sky, but a haze shielded it from our view. Chase and I walked past the dock and the lighthouse until we found a place to sit in the sand.
The weather was brisk, but neither of us minded. We didn’t talk. There seemed to be an impending storm; summer was never this cold otherwise. Chase slipped his jacket off, saying I was irresponsible for not bringing one myself, and put it around my shoulders. Happiness welled inside my chest.
His fingers were freezing when they brushed against my arm, so I took hold of his hand and placed it between my palms. I thought he might pull away, but he didn’t.
“You know, I can’t say you’re the only one who’s tried to help me,” he said after a long silence. “But you haven’t tried to change me. I… noticed. And I appreciate it.”
“Well, why?” My face burned. “Why would you want to change someone when they’re good enough already?”
Chase smiled and wiggled his fingers inside the warmth of my hands. “Maybe because they’re too good?”
We stared at each other. I could no longer explain how he made me feel. It was strange. I was happy being with him and I didn’t need anything more. I didn’t even care to know if he felt the same way, as long as he was fine with this much.
He pulled his hand away, but then his arm was around me, drawing me closer to his side. After minutes of nothing but silence and a tightening grip on my shoulder, I sat up straighter and glanced at him. He was lost in thought, staring at something far away.
I leaned forward to get his attention. “Are you all right?”
He relaxed. “Sorry, I was thinking.” He sighed and took his hand off my shoulder. Then he brought his knees up and folded his arms across them. “It’s funny how even someone like me enjoys company once in a while.”
“That’s not what you were thinking, was it?”
“Of course it was.” There was a flash of that careless grin. “Companionship gets me fired up, you know?”
I laughed. “That’s the biggest lie of the century.”
“Don’t tease me,” he said, frowning. “I thought you would at least appreciate how gentlemanly I’m being.”
“You’re not supposed to announce that kind of thing, Chase. In fact, you could do better. You get five out of ten points from me.”
“That’s harsh.” He furrowed his eyebrows. “Well, it doesn’t matter. I think you’re an idiot for not wearing a coat. It’s been cloudy all day.”
“Zero out of ten!” I couldn’t conceal my grin as I shoved his arm. “You lost all your points with that comment.”
He smiled and we continued in silence again. His jacket carried his scent, a fresh, spicy aroma with traces of cologne. I pulled it snug around my arms and rested my head against his shoulder.
“Good evening,” a voice carried through the darkness.
I lifted my head and glanced backward. Gill. Smiling, I said hello and invited him to sit with us.
“People are starting to get drunk,” he said. He lowered himself to the sand beside me. “There’s nothing I can do, so it’s better to leave than to watch everyone descend into stupidity. I can’t help worrying about an accident, though.”
“I’m sure it’ll be fine. Hayden’s there, right? Besides, it’s not like anyone has to drive home.”
“My favorite part of the job is walking drunk people home,” Chase said, “because for some reason everyone thinks they can hang from my shoulder and puke on my shoes. Or pass out halfway there. I love it when they try to sing.”
“What’s the worst that’s happened?” I asked.
“It’s all the same. I hate it all. People acting so stupid... Why would you do that to yourself on purpose?” He spoke distractedly and let a strange silence hang after his words. He seemed to have forgotten what happened the other night.
“It’s depressing,” Gill said. “You’re sulking.”
A muscle twitched in Chase’s jaw.
“Are you really? Is it really so upsetting?”
Chase looked away. “How could you even ask that?”
Gill brushed sand off his knee and folded his arms to keep warm. When he began talking, his voice was soft and quiet, and I realized he was talking to me.
“I didn’t want to tell you. Or anyone. But I have a feeling you’ll be angry enough when I tell you now than if I wait—”
Chase sucked in air through his teeth, cutting him off. “Get to the point, okay? She doesn’t want you to drag it out.”
I turned to look at him, and for a second I was frozen. The expression on his face was the same as when I had woken him from a nightmare at the hospital, when he saw his world burn down. I reached to touch his arm because it was all I could think to do.
“I don’t know how else to say this,” Gill said. He didn’t look at me. “I’m sick.”
I knew I heard the words he said, but I didn’t understand them. There was a weight in the air, in my lungs, and even though I didn’t understand them, I knew exactly what he meant. Because, if I was being honest, I had already wondered if it was true. He acted like I should’ve been surprised, and I was, but just because he was sick didn’t mean anything else. Nothing had to change. Saying it like this, he was only scaring me.
“You… you get migraines.” My voice wavered. Chase’s arm was lost under my fingertips, either no longer there or my hands had gone numb. “That’s it. That’s all it can be.”
“It’s true I get migraines, but there’s something causing them. I don’t know what,” said Gill. “I’ve seen so many doctors, but they can’t find what’s wrong. I think there’s something else wrong with me.” He paused. I felt my heart, like it was entwined in barbed wire, pounding against my ribs in the silence. “I went to the hospital... and they told me my heart is failing. I lied to you.”
It felt like he had reached inside my mind, pulled out my worst suspicion, and threw it at me, all painted in an undeniable shade of bright red.
I managed to force out a question: “How long?”
“Half a year. Maybe more. Maybe less.”
I shook my head. “How long have you known?”
“A while.”
“How long is a while? And when you went to the city—”
“The medical technology is more advanced there. I had tests, and they confirmed it.  I’m—” He swallowed hard. “—dying.”
“And Chase?” I turned to look at him again. “How long have you known?”
He was staring at nothing, his face void of any expression, his eyes empty. I looked back at Gill, who must have expected something from me because he seemed like he was waiting. My mind was blank. A complete hollow.
I wanted to get up and run away. My limbs were like lead, and I hadn’t imagined it—my hands were numb.
This can’t happen. He’s fine.
I twisted around to get closer to Gill. “I’m sorry,” I whispered, wrapping my arms around him. He didn’t move, or speak, or do anything. There must be something else he could try, I thought. Something. He didn’t try hard enough. There was still something that could help him.
“Angela.”
“Why did this happen? Why? You didn’t do anything wrong.”
I didn’t mean to, but I pushed him and we were both on the ground and tears I didn’t remember shedding were falling on his face. He stared up at me. My hands were on his chest, gripping his clothes, and I was saying things, but I couldn’t remember what I was thinking.
Gill’s fingers wrapped around my wrist. “Angela, stop. It hurts.”
I let go of his shirt. I couldn’t swallow around the lump in my throat.  “I— I’m sorry. I was… I don’t know. I didn’t mean it. I’ve been worried about you lately, but I never imagined… I hoped it wasn’t…” I sat back on my heels, struggling to breathe. “It doesn’t have to be like this. You have to keep trying. Search for better doctors. I’ll go with you. We can go back to the city and research it and find a place that can help you. It has to exist.”
He shook his head. “What do you think I’ve been doing for the past four years?”
“Four—”
“This is how it is.”
A wave of sadness, of hopelessness, crashed over me. An ache settled in my stomach. Gill leaned back on the ground, so I lay down beside him, leaving too much space between us.
“Gill,” I whispered. He lied to me. I wanted to be furious with him, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t breathe. “Why didn’t you tell anyone? Why did you lie?”
“You knew something was wrong,” he said. “It was difficult keeping this to myself. A few times I almost couldn’t.”
He folded his arms behind his head. The action was so normal and casual. People who were dying couldn’t sit on the beach with their friends. Gill was alive. I could see his chest rise and fall with each breath.
“I know what it’s like, knowing that someone is going to die. After a while, it turns into watching them die. Maybe if I hadn’t known, I wouldn’t have tried so hard and lost so much in the end.” His voice sent another pang through my stomach. “I didn’t— I don’t want anyone to look at me and think of death. That’s what you’re going to do now. Even if you tell yourself you won’t, when you see me, you’re going to wonder what to say at my funeral.”
“At least when you know…” Chase said, letting his sentence hang precariously in the empty air. “If you know, you have time to say goodbye.”
Gill glanced over at him. “But when you don’t, you remember them how they should be remembered.”
“Why does it make a difference if you know someone is going to die?” Chase murmured. “It’s still them.  Even when they aren’t beautiful or full of life anymore, it’s still them. I wish every day I could’ve seen my sister after the fire. I wish she would’ve lived a little longer. I know that’s selfish of me. She would’ve been suffering. But maybe even… if they could’ve kept her heart beating somehow. I could’ve said something and maybe she would’ve heard me. And maybe her last memory of us wouldn’t have been me yelling at her. I just wanted to tell her how sorry I was.”
I was shaking now, but I couldn’t say anything. I couldn’t move.
Gill sat up and muttered, “God, Chase, that’s not what I wanted to hear.” When I looked over, I thought I saw the shine of tears in his eyes.
Chase lifted his head. “I know this is stupid, but I keep thinking it’s because of me. That I do this to people, like I’m cursed.”
“That’s not true,” I said.
He looked at me. His eyes glowed like a mirror of the sky, a darkness painted under shimmering stars. “Angela, one day I think you’re going to get hurt because of me.”
“It’s late,” Gill said. “If this conversation keeps going, I think we’ll just be opening old wounds. I don’t want to ruin your image of me if I lose my courage.”
“Well? What did you expect?” Chase’s words were charged with anger. “That you could tell her and everything would still be normal? That knowing someone else in my life is going to die wouldn’t upset me?”
“You’re upset because this reminds you of your sister. It’s not about me. It’s about you and how bitter you are.”
I tried to shrink into the dark inside Chase’s jacket. Maybe Gill was right, but he didn’t have to say it like that.
Chase stood. His hands were curled into fists. I thought he was going to lunge at him, but he just stood there. After a moment that turned the air thick, Chase released his tension with a sigh and surprised me. “I know. I’m selfish. All I think about is myself. I can’t realize how horrible it must be for you, but instead I’m wondering why something like this happened to me.”
“Something like what?” Gill asked. “How can you think this is worse for you than for me?”
“You don’t get it? I’ve only had three friends in my entire life. Three out of seven billion people thought I was okay when no one else did. But now, the three people I ever cared about are miserable, dying, and dead. You don’t find anything wrong with that?”
Gill picked sand off his pants. “I could make my life sound like a sob story too.”
“How could you lie to us?” Chase’s voice was strained. I didn’t recognize the pain I heard in it. “Knowing you kept this from me for all these years while I embarrassed myself like a fool… I feel like I never knew you.”
Gill kept silent.
“You told me to forgive myself, but you didn’t trust me to help you. You didn’t give me a chance.”
“Everything I told you was the truth.” Gill stood up. “I lost someone too. Did you forget? My mother is dead, and it’s as much my fault she died as it is your fault your sister died. None of that has anything to do with this. You’re the one who doesn’t get it.”
“I’ll walk you home, Angela,” Chase said abruptly. “When you’re ready. Let me know.” He turned and started walking down the beach until he was an outline against the black cliff side.
Gill stared at me, and I realized he had never actually been mad at Chase. “It’ll be easier if he hates me, don’t you think?”
I suddenly understood. Gill had only been trying to protect us. Everything he did, every choice he made, was not for himself. He made decisions that shifted the burden onto his own shoulders, and I saw the cracks in his façade finally widening. He was trying so hard to make this better for us since the very beginning; protecting us from the truth and keeping us distant. He was facing this alone, and he was scared, but still he wanted Chase to yell at him and despise him for what he did, so that maybe it wouldn’t hurt so much later. I didn’t want to understand, but I did.
“He doesn’t hate you,” I said. I thought of the other night when he cried and told me not to fall in love with Gill. “He’s hurt.”
“And what about you?”
My thoughts couldn’t be put into words. The harder I tried, the more scattered I felt. One word pulsed in my head. No. No, this can’t happen. No, I’m not okay. No. No. No.
I shook my head, unable to say anything.
“I understand.” He touched my shoulder. Then, before I had a chance to move, he left.
Once he disappeared ahead, I turned the other way and searched for Chase. It was so dark. I couldn’t see him. Another stab of pain shot straight through my middle. I fell to my hands and knees and tried to escape. I didn’t know where I was going. My hands met water and I couldn’t suppress the urge to heave anymore. My stomach burned and ached fiercely.
After I vomited until there was nothing left, I fell onto the wet sand, exhausted.
Chase appeared from the shadows, enveloping my body in his arms. He pressed me against his warm chest. One hand was behind my head, nestled in my hair, and the other was around my shoulder.
“I’m taking you home,” he said.
I tried to stand but my legs shook. And every time I moved, I was overcome with waves of nausea.  Chase turned and lifted me onto his back. I was drenched with cold, salty water, and as he walked, I felt his shirt soak it up. He slung his jacket—the one I thought I had still been wearing—over his shoulder and told me to cover up with it.
I must have fallen asleep because it seemed like only seconds later we arrived at my house. Chase let me down on the porch and opened my door, then he led me to my bed. He found my sleepwear and brought it to me, along with a glass of water, while I pulled off the heavy, dirty dress. His eyes stayed on the floor as I changed.
Then he disappeared into the bathroom and returned with a warm, wet cloth, which he used to wipe off my smeared makeup and sticky tear trails.
“I’m sorry for making you do this,” I said. “You can go home now.”
He didn’t move.
“Please, Chase. I appreciate it, but… I can’t… I need to be alone.”
For a long time, he stared at me. Then he turned away, and I heard the front door click shut.